(Long post, sorry. :/ )
So, I've been so busy trying to squeeze as much time in with the kids before school started back up that I forgot yesterday was the first Wednesday of this month. It's been crazy here and I'm on the fence torn between so glad that school is back in and so sad that school is back in and my girls aren't home.
(Side Note: Here they are this morning before I took them to school-
Okay, onto the IWSG...
I tend to not like reflecting on certain aspects of myself. Speculations and conclusions that aren't real or even genuine ideas that I truly believe just for the fact that I don't want to really think of why I can't do anything. However, I started a new diet and exercise plan, not just to lose weight, but because I want to get healthy. Plus, my oldest and I both have sensitive stomachs so we decided to try out a gluten-free diet. It's worked so wonderfully that now we rarely have stomach aches at all, unless we cheat and eat gluten. Then we're in pain wishing we hadn't been so weak, giving into something we know we're better off without. Although I've got this new diet and exercise plan going, on top of the fact that I quit smoking (something I've wanted to do for a long time and now it's been months since I smoked at all), my aunt keeps saying hateful things about me. (My aunt always has strong opinions about everyone in the family and how we live our lives)
Problem is, I always let her get to me when I was growing up. I always found myself wanting to do things to please her, but I couldn't ever please her. The older I got, the more I realized I would never be able to please her. But I was ruined (for the time being, not permentantly though). I spent so much of my life trying to please her, that I started trying to please everyone. Part of that was everyone started talking about me the same way my aunt did. Telling me I was too fat, too quiet, too loud/outspoken, too sensitive, too lazy, too too too...
I still find myself worrying about my not being productive enough in my writerly things. I start hearing my aunt telling me I'm being too lazy and I start worrying that's what's happening. But when I think that, I get too deep into my head. I start trying too hard, trying to force productivity out of myself in a way that's not for me, it's for everyone else. It's for my mom who believes in me too much, not that it's bad for her to have faith in me as a writer, but it's too much pressure. Or I try it to prove my aunt wrong, that I am who I am and look, I can do good things as the person you criticize. I even try to do it for you guys, my blogger buddies, writer buddies, tweeps, AQCers...For all of my online friends, who in reality, know what it's like. The pressure, the wants, needs, productivity woes, and everything else...All you guys who don't judge me by my lack of productivity, y'all who listen and only give helpful advice, friendly words, laughs, and everything positive (even if it's a positive kick in the ass ;P ). The people who I don't have to prove anything to...
And that's when I realized I need to stop obsessing. I am who I am, I love who I am, and some days/weeks/months/years will be good, and some will be bad. But as long as I know who I am and I have people who support me, that's all that matters. And if I can't focus on those good things, I will be stuck trying to force something to happen that won't ever happen right that way.
I know all that matters is if I'm happy with myself and I am. I'm also happy that I have you to make me smile when I need it, or to kick me into gear when I need it. I know you won't let me be lazy...well, most of you won't. :P
Sorry again for the long post, it actually took me by surprise myself, but I did stop trying to force conclusions and reasons. So, yeah, there it is, hope it makes sense because I'm in a hurry(time to pick the girls up from school) and not reading before I hit publish
Lol. Hope you're all having a wonderful Thursday. I'm hoping to be back to a schedule soon. Since I probably won't blog again this week though, have an awesome weekend too. :)
