Wednesday, June 3, 2015
I thought doing the April A to Z Challenge would help me out of this weird up and down funk I keep finding myself in. It didn't. I finished the challenge and that was it. I didn't even think of my little blog here.
A few years back whenever I decided I wanted to actually attempt to accomplish something with my writing (aside from all the journals of stories and poems), I joined Agent Query and Query Tracker. I was nervous and unsure. I hadn't actually joined the chatroom part of Agent Query yet, but the day I made that step I was a bit scared. And once I was on there and started reading posts by other members, and seeing how long they'd been around, I was so intimidated.
It took a little time. A lot of breaking down of nerve walls. Many revisions, tears, worries, anger even...and friends. Online friends that were just like me. Some that used to be like me and were now those intimidating members. Some that were just getting their toes a little damp when I'd finally dove into the deep end. Guys and girls from different places, in different writing places. Great people that I would've never known if it hadn't been for AQC.
These great people and I chatted in the AQC chat room. Then I started chatting with some in Google chat. Some became my critique partners. Some I just critiqued their stuff. But some were my friends in general. We could talk about writerly things, or regular life things. We got to know each other and I grew to care about them. Now I only talk to one of them most often. Another one more often than the others. And the others hardly ever.
And that's what I realized. When we were all chatting all the time. Doing 1k1hr or passing chapters back and forth, I was motivated. I blogged, tweeted, wrote, critiqued, stayed involved with my writerly things and people. AQC brought us all together and that fueled my motivation...
And one day AQC took down the chat room. It shouldn't have mattered, but even when the chat came back eventually, it wasn't the same(and then they did away with chat again for good this time so no chance at getting back to that). And nothing was the same ever again. Now one of my friends writes, but not like before. She's busy with school and work, and Idk what else because I'm not always the greatest friend these days.
My other friend has needed me for far too long and I haven't been taking the time to talk to her. She never writes anymore and has so much happening right now that Idk when she will write again. And I feel insecure in what I should say or do to help her through her non writerly things. I want to be there for her and I feel like crap because I can't figure out how.
The others may or may not be writing.They may be having a great time at life and they may not. I just don't know.
What I know is when I lost that chat, I lost my mojo. I in no way blame the others, it just happens that losing them, I lost me too.
It's no ones fault but my own, so if any of the 2AMWriters ;P are reading this, please don't feel like I'm saying it's any of your faults or anything bad. I know it's me.
Just like I know I will figure out a way to get myself out of this hole.
I'm really sorry for the long post, I'll do better with the next one. Idk if I'll post again before the next IWSG, so if not, I hope you all have a wonderful June and I'll catch you next time. :)
Make sure you check out the Insecure Writers Support Group site and also the awesome Alex J Cavanaugh.