Friday, February 8, 2013

I Think My Insecurities Have Insecurities...

Okay, I'm a couple days late with this because I forgot about it. (And I don't have the ISWG pic because I haven't saved it to this new computer yet) But, better late than not at all. This is my Insecure Writer's Support Group post and if you don't know about it, head on over to the awesome Alex J Cavanaugh's blog and check it out.

So, you saw the title...Let's see if I can make sense of it. I'm so insecure right now that I'm pretty sure my insecurities are becoming insecure and making me even more insecure.

I haven't done very many writerly things lately, it's been way too long. And since it's been so long, I can't seem to get my crap together and get back in the game. I find myself wondering if I'll even be able to write again. What if I sit down, open up one of my WIPs, and can't write anything? What if I do write something and it's terrible? What if I forget where I was going with the stories I've already started? What if, what if, what if...

Then there's critiquing...What if I'm not good enough to critique anymore? What if I have nothing helpful to say? What if I miss something that isn't right because I forgot that it's not right? What if I point out something because I think it's wrong, but it's not? What if, what if, what if...

And can't forget blogging...I'm afraid to blog because I'm not sure what to blog about. Then I find myself wondering the same, what if. What if I post something no one wants to read? What if I post something and I sound like an idiot? What if, what if, what if...

What if I am so out of the social and writerly loop that I can't find my way back in? What if I'm so lost that the path is gone to me? What if I just can't do it anymore? What if in losing myself, I've lost everything I've worked on, time I put in, friends I've made...What if I've messed up and people think I'm just a flake and I can't be taken seriously and I'm not worth the time of even paying any attention to what I have to say?

I've never felt so insecure in my life. This is my rock bottom I think. I wasn't even sure I'd write this post honestly. I'm not used to being that insecure and I'm definitely not that used to talking about it.

I do want to say, I thought over some of those 'what ifs' prior to posting this. I did squash some of the negative thoughts. I may not be completely sure that I will still be able to write, but I think so. I mean, I have to be able to. I love it, want it, need it. There's too much in my head, I'd go nuts if I didn't find a way to put it into stories. Most of the other 'what ifs' are still there, but I won't know until I try. I'm not even sure how to make myself get back into the groove, but I WILL figure it out. I can't give up no matter how long it takes me to claw myself out of this pile of funk.

Anyway, this post went on for longer than I intended, so that's it. These are my insecurities at the moment...sorry I was late with the post.

I hope you all have an awesome weekend :)

8 comments:

Em-Musing said...

You pushed past those insecurities and wrote this blog. You'll find your way back.

Miranda Hardy said...

We've all had similar insecurities throughout the process, I'm sure. You just need to decide if your love for writing is stronger then the fear. Keep pushing along and the insecurities will eventually fall off one by one.

Yolanda Renee said...

Love the title, and we've all felt that way, well, most of us. I think there are actually people out there who have never had personal doubts. Gosh to be them, well, maybe not -- we all have our own demons, no matter what form they come in. You wrote an awesome blog, you're already on your way back! Stick to it!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You just wrote a blog post - it's a start! Little steps. It will come back to you.

SC Author said...

I hope you'll fight your way through these feelings. If you quit or get to scared, this world would lose an amazing writer (trust me, I know).

DL Hammons said...

It's like riding a bike. You'll be surprised how quickly everything comes back once you get back into a rhythm! :)

Debra McKellan said...

What's important is that you posted! It's easy to get weighed down by your feelings, and I hope you're able to fight your way out of them soon. :D

Kathryn Neff Perry said...

I just saw this post. I think you wrote it last month.
Don't give up. Your own words, I love it, I need it! Writing is a strange "occupation". We don't write from 8 to 5. It's an on going, all day thing....and for most of all night too. I can't tell you how many times I've been awake in the middle of the night thinking I might have to "kill" someone.....in a manuscript---
Think about JK Rowlings. She got so depressed....insecure...she was ready to quit. I'll bet all the Harry Potter fans are glad she didn't.
I'm subscribing to you....so now you have to write. I need something to read...:D
Hugs and good luck to you my friend!
Katt